Parents all have different experiences and preferences when it comes to non-school activities for their kids, and I'm sure it's not surprise to you that my wife and I have always encouraged our son and daughter explore athletic programs for the numerous physical and mental health benefits and life lessons that team sports are uniquely suited to teach. That said, our kids could not be more different when it comes to their feelings towards youth sports, and when our daughter swore off team sports a few years ago, we got a glimpse of what a future without watching her play would feel like, and I hope you can take away some important lessons before your son or daughter's "careers" are over.
Maddux had a ball in his hand before he could walk. Throwing, rolling, kicking; if there was a ball anywhere near him, he was playing with it.
He first played soccer in a class at his pre-school when he was 2 years old, and I signed him up for Tee Ball when he was 3. Now as a 10 year old, he plays organized Soccer, Baseball, Lacrosse, Flag Football, and Basketball in local rec leagues. He absolutely loves being on the field competing with his friends. And for my wife and I, former D1 and professional athletes ourselves, watching him love sports as much as we do is a great source of joy for us.
Our daughter Sloane, on the other hand, did not like Tee Ball as a 5 year old and did not want to play again. She tried soccer, too, but had a horrible AYSO experience in Palos Verdes (stay tuned for some exciting news about that...wink, wink), and would literally cry if we even suggested that she give soccer one more chance. She refused to even try basketball.
After a couple long years of having virtually no enrichment activities, she asked us if she could try gymnastics, so we put her in a once-a-week low intensity class which she still loves. Then she asked about tennis, and she joined a little group class with friends once a week. Like all parents, my wife and I love watching her do anything, but to be honest gymnastics doesn't excite us and tennis isn't really my thing so being on the "sidelines" of those sports definitely feels different than we get to watch Maddux play on his teams.
It was hard as true "team sports" parents to see her play and then quit. We missed watching her run around the soccer field and stand in Right field of Tee Ball with a cone on her head :-)
But then something amazing happened last Summer; she reluctantly attended our first Spring Training Soccer camp and had a blast. We couldn’t believe it, but after camp she asked us to sign her up for soccer in the Fall!!!
Then she asked us to sign her up for Basketball this Winter.
And then, for Softball. (Shoutout to the PVPSGL for an awesome Opening Day, by the way!)
Sloane is back!
Now, our weekends are full driving her around from field to field too, just like her brother! And in between being exhausted and needing an AI assistant to help us figure out daily game and practice schedule logistics, we also get a second chance to watch her learn and struggle and improve and shine on the field and court.
Joni Mitchell once famously sang, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone..."
True words for anything, youth sports included.
With Sloane "quitting" sports at such a young age, we had experienced the joy of watching her play, and then felt the sadness of missing out on that while she was on, shall we say, hiatus.
That feeling of emptiness is something all youth sports parents will feel eventually when their child stops playing. Sometimes we know it’s coming, like when our kids age out of Little League and decide to hang up their cleats, and sometimes it just kind of phases out as schedules get full and Middle School life gets busy. Suddenly you will realize you aren’t loading up the folding chairs and sports wagon into the trunk anymore.
The truth is you will really miss packing up the car at 6:30am on Saturday for a full day of driving your kids around from field to field. That's great quality time together as a family without the normal life distractions/drama of homework, taking out the trash, straightening the house, getting ready for bed, and the nightly fights over brushing teeth. It's just fun family time (or at least is supposed to be)!
You'll miss being in the stands watching them compete with and against their friends.
You'll miss hanging out with your friends on the sidelines.
You'll miss the post-game Snack Shack meals and end-of-season team parties.
You'll miss hearing, "Daddy, can we go get ice cream?" after the game.
You'll miss it all. Trust me. Because I missed all of those things when Sloane was on her break from sports.
I saw the future: I got a glimpse of what I know it will ultimately feel like when both my kids' "careers" end and it was not fun! I'm sooooo glad she's playing again; for her mostly, but also for me.
The statistics are that 70% of all children will quit team sports by age 12...we don't have much time left. Even for the ones who play through the end of High School, those years are going to come and go in the blink of an eye.
So rather than spend the precious little time we have hanging out with our kids on the various fields worrying about playing time, stressing about who is going to make All-Stars, arguing with the umpires over calls that don't really matter at all, bad-mouthing the coach for his in-game decisions, or being anxious about our child or his team’s performance, let's just be grateful for the experience and maximize our own joy by remembering how lucky we are!
Having already experienced what it feels like to have one of my own kids "quit" sports I know how sad Marissa and I will be when both Maddux and Sloane are done playing so we're going to continue to soak in every single practice, game, car ride, Snack Shack dinner, and team party for what it is, and nothing more: kids finding joy in learning and playing with their friends.
We never worry about the "next level" (I HATE that term when talking about kids' sports, and be please wary about any club sports program promoting that as a selling point). Just be present!
We don't stress about if our kids are "ahead" or "behind" their peers. Why do you think High School and College coaches don't scout Little League games or 12U State Cup Soccer Tournaments? Because it's impossible to predict which children will develop into Varsity or College level athletes! Maddux is "ahead" right now and Sloane is "behind" but that has absolutely no bearing on their, or our, enjoyment of participating in team sports, and is not AT ALL a predictor of how they will compare to their peers when they're teenagers!
So, we're simply enjoying the ride...while it lasts.
But all that said, for the parents who truly can't shake the anxiety worrying about how well their kid is playing in his next game, here's a little secret for you: the more relaxed YOU are in the stands and the more fun the COACHES are having in the dugout/sidelines, the better the kids on the field will play!
Most performance anxiety at the youth levels comes from kids mirroring the same emotions that the adults in attendance are feeling, so the more relaxed we are, the more relaxed they'll be, the better they'll play, the more fun they'll have, and everyone wins!
A very recent example: How did I address my basketball team's nerves before our championship game on Sunday? By dressing like this.
By showing up to the gym in a PacMan suit and tie and slicked back Pat Riley hair, the first thing the kids on my team (and their parents) did was laugh. If their head coach, who absolutely expected them to play really hard and try their best to win, was treating the Championship Game with a fun-first attitude rather than a life-and-death attitude, then they had permission to play with a fun-first attitude and their nervousness would disappear.
And it did. We went basket for basket against an undefeated and more talented team (who won their semi-final game by like 40 points) all the way into the 4th quarter, ultimately falling behind down the stretch and losing by a dozen points. Congrats to the other team - they played awesome - and I couldn't have been prouder of my boys' effort. It was a great game.
Adults have the ability (and I would argue responsibility) to lower the temperature at youth sports events, and it is up to us to make it positive, fun, and supportive, starting first and foremost with our own attitude and behavior. When the adults have more fun, the kids have more fun. When adults are relaxed, the kids are relaxed. And then with that relaxed and carefree attitude in both the stands and on the field, everyone goes home (regardless of the score) having felt the incredible joy that youth sports can provide, when done correctly.
There's nothing that makes me sadder than when I go to youth sporting event and see stressed parents in the stands, anxious coaches on the sidelines, and nervous players on the field.
Too often I show up at a field, look around, and find myself asking, "Is anyone here having fun?"
Youth sports is just kids trying to have fun playing a game!
And if it feels like anything more than that, it's because adults have made a choice to treat it like the most important thing that's ever happened in the history of the world.
As soon as a coach yells at a player; it's not fun anymore.
As soon as a parent screams at the umpire; it's not fun anymore.
As soon as opposing coaches get into it with each other; it's not fun anymore.
As soon as opposing parents get into it with each other; it's not fun anymore.
And who suffers the most when this happens? THE KIDS!
The players, who are children, look up to us, the adults. The vibe at the game or practice will mirror our own, so let's choose to model the behavior and attitude from the sidelines that we want them playing with on the field.
WE CAN DO IT!
Play Hard, Have FUN!